Honest Question: Is It Wrong to Reject a Rishta Because There's No Physical Attraction?

I've been wanting to write this for a while because it comes up in literally every second counseling session I have, and yet nobody wants to say it out loud.

You meet someone through the arranged marriage process. Great family. Good career. Respectful. Decent conversation. Your parents are practically planning the wedding in their heads. There's just one problem.

You're not physically attracted to them.

And the moment you say that -- to your mom, your aunt, your well-meaning neighbor aunty -- you get hit with some version of: "Physical attraction doesn't matter in the long run. Pyaar toh baad mein hota hai. Don't be so shallow."

So... is it shallow? Is it wrong to say no because of this?

I'm Priya. I'm a relationship counselor in Delhi. I've been working with couples for 12 years. And my honest answer is more complicated than either side wants it to be.

Why This Question Haunts People

Let me tell you about a client I had last year. I'll call her Neha (not her real name, obviously).

Neha, 27, met a guy through her parents. He was a chartered accountant, from a good family, kind, soft-spoken. Everyone loved him. Neha liked him as a person. But she felt zero physical pull. No butterflies, no wanting to lean in closer, no excitement about seeing him again.

She told her mother. Her mother said: "Arre, that comes later. Just give it time."

Neha tried. She went on five more meetings. She genuinely tried to develop attraction. Nothing. Not even a flicker.

She said no. Her mother was devastated. Her father said she was being "too modern." Her grandmother called and said, "Humne toh shaadi se pehle ek baar bhi nahi dekha tha. Attraction kya hota hai?"

Neha came to me in tears. Not because she regretted the decision -- but because she felt like a terrible person for making it.

This is the crux of the problem. In the Indian arranged marriage context, physical attraction is treated as a luxury. Something shallow people care about. Something that fades anyway, so why bother?

But is that actually true?

What the Research Says

Here's where I put on my psychology hat.

Physical attraction is not the same as superficiality. Physical attraction is a biological signal. It's your body's way of saying "I want to be close to this person." It involves neurochemistry -- dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. These aren't shallow chemicals. They're the foundation of bonding.

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that initial physical attraction was a significant predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction, even in arranged marriage contexts. The researchers studied 150 couples in India specifically and found that couples who reported at least moderate initial attraction had significantly higher relationship satisfaction at the 5-year mark.

But -- and this is important -- the study also found that attraction can develop. Just not always. And not for everyone.

The "pyaar baad mein hota hai" argument has some truth to it. Research on arranged marriages does show that love and attraction can grow over time when there's mutual respect, shared values, and emotional connection. A landmark study by Dr. Robert Epstein, who studied arranged marriages across 30 cultures, found that love in arranged marriages tends to increase over time, while love in love marriages tends to plateau or decline.

However. Growing attraction requires a baseline. You need to feel at least neutral-to-positive about someone's physical presence. If you feel actively repulsed or completely indifferent at a physical level, that's a much harder gap to bridge.

The Honest Spectrum

In my experience, physical attraction in arranged marriages falls on a spectrum:

"Yes, I'm attracted" -- Easy. Move forward. This is the dream scenario.

"I'm not sure, but I don't mind being around them" -- This is actually the most common starting point in successful arranged marriages. There's no fireworks, but there's a warmth. This CAN grow. Give it time. Three to five meetings at minimum.

"I feel nothing" -- This is where it gets tricky. "Nothing" can sometimes shift to "something" if emotional connection develops. But it's not guaranteed. If after several meaningful conversations you still feel nothing, that's information worth paying attention to.

"I feel uncomfortable or turned off" -- This is a clear no. Don't force this. No amount of "giving it time" will fix active physical discomfort. Saying no here isn't shallow -- it's honest.

What I Tell My Clients

When someone comes to me with this question, I don't give them a blanket answer. I ask them questions:

"Are you comparing this person to a celebrity standard or to a realistic partner?" Because sometimes "no attraction" means "they don't look like a Bollywood hero," and that's worth examining. Real people don't look like filtered Instagram posts. If your attraction standard requires model-level looks, that's worth a conversation with yourself.

"Have you spent enough time to know?" One meeting over chai with both families present is not enough to gauge attraction. You're nervous, they're nervous, everyone's performing. Attraction needs a little breathing room. Meet them one-on-one. Go for a walk. Have a real conversation. If after three genuine interactions you feel nothing, that's your answer.

"Is it just looks, or is it the whole package?" Sometimes what people call "no physical attraction" is actually "no energy match." They might be perfectly good-looking but have a flatness to their personality that doesn't draw you in. That's not about their face -- it's about their presence. And presence matters.

"Are you rejecting them or rejecting the process?" This is a tough question, but it matters. Sometimes people who are resentful about the arranged marriage process reject every candidate not because of the candidate, but because of what they represent. If this might be you, it's worth exploring with a therapist before you end up saying no to someone who might actually be right for you.

What Others Say

I asked this question to a group of 50 women in one of my workshops. The responses were split almost exactly down the middle.

The "attraction matters" camp:

"I married someone I wasn't attracted to because everyone said it would grow. It's been 7 years. It hasn't grown. I love him as a person, but the physical part of our marriage is basically nonexistent. I wish someone had told me it's okay to want that."

"My cousin rejected a rishta because of no attraction and everyone judged her. Two years later, she met someone she was attracted to AND who was a great person. She's happily married now."

The "attraction is overrated" camp:

"I wasn't attracted to my husband at first meeting. At all. But we kept meeting and talking, and by the fourth meeting, something had shifted. I find him incredibly attractive now. Eight years married."

"I think our generation is too obsessed with instant attraction. Life partners aren't Tinder matches. Sometimes the slow burn is better."

Both sides have valid points. That's what makes this question so hard.

My Personal Take

I'm going to be honest here. When I was going through the rishta process, I rejected a few people where everything was fine except the attraction piece. I felt guilty each time. My mother definitely made me feel guilty.

But I also knew myself well enough to know that physical closeness is important to me in a marriage. Not in a superficial way -- in a "I want to want to hold this person's hand" way. That's not asking for the moon. That's asking for a basic component of a romantic partnership.

I ended up marrying someone I was attracted to from the first meeting. Not overwhelmingly, not dramatically -- just a quiet "oh, I want to keep talking to this person, and I like being near him." That grew into deep attraction over time.

Could I have married someone I felt nothing for and eventually developed attraction? Maybe. But I'm glad I didn't have to take that gamble.

The Bottom Line

Is it wrong to reject a rishta because of no physical attraction? No. But it's also not always wise to reject too quickly.

Give it at least a few genuine meetings. Examine whether your expectations are realistic. Be honest about whether it's truly about attraction or about something else.

And if, after all that, you still feel nothing? Say no. Kindly, respectfully, but firmly. A marriage without any physical connection is a partnership without intimacy, and that's a heavy thing to carry for a lifetime.

You're not shallow for wanting to be attracted to your life partner. You're human.

Edit: Responding to Some Pushback

I shared a condensed version of this with some of my counseling peers and got some strong responses, so let me address them:

"Aren't you encouraging people to reject based on looks alone?" -- No. I'm encouraging people to honor physical attraction as ONE valid factor among many. Not the only factor. Not even the most important one. But a real one.

"What about people who aren't conventionally attractive? Your advice disadvantages them." -- Physical attraction is highly individual. What I find attractive, you might not, and vice versa. I'm not talking about conventional beauty standards. I'm talking about personal chemistry. I've seen plenty of "unconventionally attractive" people who their partners find absolutely magnetic.

"You're a counselor. Shouldn't you be telling people to give it a chance?" -- I AM telling people to give it a chance. I said three to five meetings minimum. But after a genuine effort, if it's not there, it's not there. Forcing it helps no one.

One more thing: if you're navigating this right now and want a platform that lets you be upfront about what you're looking for, Samaj Saathi is worth checking out. Being honest from the start saves everyone's time and emotional energy.

-- Priya

Priya Sharma is a relationship counselor and marriage readiness coach based in South Delhi with 12 years of experience helping individuals and families through the arranged marriage process.